Sexual Confidence
‘When I am with a new lover I need to go really slow, moving from kissing to sensual touch to maybe penetration. It takes a long time for me to allow myself to trust new lovers-not only because of the abuse but also because of how I feel about my body, because my body doesn’t quite fit the ideal of what a “normal” body should be. I’ve tried to really work on changing how I feel about myself and, for the most part, I’ve been able to stay focused. Sometimes I find that I fall into old routines when I feel vulnerable. I need to know that I can initiate sex and I can also stop it when I need to.’
From The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, ed. Kaufman, Silverberg and Odette, 2003
No one will see me as sexual because of my disability.
If you’ve grown up seeing yourself as a nonsexual person because of your disability, it can be hard to start thinking of yourself as sexual or sexy. You need to break the link between disability and sexuality in your own head. Being disabled doesn’t mean you’re not sexual. Is there something about your impairment that makes you feel this way? Or does having a disability make you feelunattractive or undesirable? How you see yourself influences how you project yourself to the outside world, and how others see you.
Some people might see your disability as defining who you are, and this can be damaging to your identity, and to your sexuality. They may view you as a heroic angel, who has overcome obstacles and is too good to have sex. On the other hand, people may see you as a helpless victim who can’t do anything on her own, especially have good sex. But these are misconceptions, and the worst thing you can do for yourself is to believe them. Remember, it’s only when you see yourself as a sexual person that others can begin to see you in this way too.
Says counsellor and sex therapist Deepak Kashyap, ‘First of all, you need to find yourself attractive. You need to learn how to masturbate looking at your own body in the mirror. Believe that you deserve this pleasure. When you do believe it, you exude a certain confidence. What you think you deserve is then reflected in what people think you deserve.’
I’ve never had sex before, and I’m worried I won’t be able to do it correctly.
It’s natural to be nervous about having sex for the first time. Girls and young women constantly see sex scenes and romances that put a lot of emphasis on the ‘special’ first time, and there’s a lot of pressure to live up to these expectations. It’s not always smooth sailing, and that’s fine. When two people have sex for the first time (even if they have had sexual partners before), there is a certain amount of trial and error as they try and figure out what pleases the other.
Contrary to what you may have been told or shown, there are many different ways to have sex, and what’s ‘correct’ is whatever makes you and your partner feel good. So why not start by talking to him or her? Is there anything particular you are worried about? Do you think it might hurt? Does your disability mean that you may need to get creative with positions? Together you can discover (sexy) ways to get around your worries.
If you aren’t comfortable talking about it but are looking for some general tips and pointers, you can check out some websites like this . Remember though, sex is about the connection between two people, not a list of do’s and don’ts – so don’t feel confined by images, descriptions or actions that you can’t (or don’t want to) do.
I used to have an active sex life, but after becoming disabled I don’t know if I can resume that.
Many women are worried about having sex after any major change occurs in their bodies, including gaining or losing weight, becoming disabled, or going through pregnancy. Try to think what worries you most. Do you feel you may not be able to satisfy your partner? Or that you won’t be able to feel pleasure like you did before? Or that people will no longer find you sexually attractive? Or are you feeling an overall loss of confidence in yourself?
It can take time to re-imagine yourself as ‘sexy’ after becoming disabled later in life. Think about what makes you feel attractive. Maybe a particular dress, hairstyle or perfume that you love? Start by seeing yourself in the mirror in a way that pleases you, and readjust your eyes to the new you. What are the things you liked about your body that haven’t changed since you became disabled? Focusing on those aspects of yourself can give you overall confidence. Masturbating can also be a good way to help you see yourself in sexual situations, and give you confidence in your ability to feel pleasure.
Once you’ve tackled your fears, take the plunge and see what works for you. If there are specific things about your impairment that may affect the way you used to have sex, why not talk to your partner? Together you can find new ways to give each other pleasure.
Remember, most women go through different sexual phases. As a woman becomes older, she may experience some difference in her desire to have sex, or her body’s sexual responses. Similarly, the sexual side of a relationship also fluctuates – there are times when sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship (particularly at the beginning) and times when it does not play an important role. So yes, don’t let your disability get in the way of you enjoying sex, but don’t unnecessarily put yourself under pressure to be as ‘active’ with your sex life as you were before
Can I have sex with someone I’m not in a relationship with?
As long as you and your sexual partner are comfortable with the situation, you can have sex with whomever you want. You may want to consider your feelings for the person (whether or not you want this to develop into a deeper relationship), how much you respect each other, and how safe you feel with him or her.
Many people look down on women who have sexual partners outside of a long-term relationship. This is linked to two societal myths – that women should have sex only to produce children, and that a woman without a long-term male partner is incomplete. In reality, women can have sex with both men and women purely for pleasure.
I was sexually abused and my feelings about sex are confusing. I don’t know if I want to have sex again.
After being abused or assaulted, you may be left with many feelings and responses about what happened that can linger and stay with you for years. The effects of the abuse can differ from person to person, and can include feeling removed from your body, and flashbacks that make you feel like the attack is happening again. You may feel mistrustful of potential sexual partners, a fear of being touched, guilt about sexual enjoyment, or difficulty achieving orgasms. Some of your feelings related to sexual pleasure may be conflicting. On the one hand you may feel shame, guilt, betrayal or disgust, but this may be coupled with sensations of sexual pleasure. Some abusers try to make their victims feel sexual pleasure, and you may feel guilty for being aroused or experiencing an orgasm during the attack. In such instances, many women feel like their bodies have betrayed them, because they lost control.
Being sexually abused is never your fault. If you are ready, it is possible for you to experience your sexuality in different, positive ways. If there are certain areas of your body that you associate with abuse, explore yourself in areas that don’t trigger uncomfortable memories, thoughts or flashbacks. Over time you can touch yourself in areas that seem scarier, always giving yourself permission to stop when you want to. If you experience flashbacks, try not to panic. Open your eyes and ground yourself in your surroundings. Remind yourself that you aren’t being abused now – you are touching yourself, and you are in control.
Many women who have experienced sexual assault are hesitant about starting new relationships. If you want to start dating someone new, it can help to be in control of the time you spend together. Being able to think about what makes you feel safe (places, times, activities, levels of physical intimacy – if any) and planning your time together accordingly can help you feel more comfortable.
Being able to say ‘no’ to sex when you don’t want it can be an important step for you. The person who assaulted you may have told you that you should be grateful for any sexual attention, given your disability. This is not true. Being in control of when, how and with whom you have sex are all important to seeing your sexuality in a positive light. Look at this resource , which deals with reclaiming your sexuality after abuse, with links to other useful readings and articles.