BEING SEXUAL
It surprised me when I realised [after my accident] that I could still get turned on. Since I don’t have any feeling down there, I never noticed that when I’m excited I get this fluttery feeling in my chest. It’s not new, I just never paid attention to it before.’
From‘The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability,’ ed. Kaufman, Silverberg and Odette, 2003
Can my disability get in the way of me feeling sexual?
That depends on how your impairment affects your body and mind. It takes energy to explore your body and feel sexual, and some factors that may affect your level of sexual interest or energy are:
- Pain. Pain can take over your body and life, making it hard to think about anything else. But distraction can sometimes be the best (or only) cure, and if you can allow yourself to get to the point of sexual pleasure, it may relieve the pain. This article explains how and why different sexual acts can relieve chronic pain.
- Fatigue. Feeling tired, or chronic fatigue, can make you feel like sex is just an added burden. If there are certain times in the day when you have more energy, see if you can set aside some of those for sex. But remember, pleasure and sexual response do not have to be physically energetic – take your time. If your energy levels are low, gentle stimulation (either on your own or with a sexual partner) can be pleasurable.
- Mental state. When something negatively affects the way you think (either about yourself or your surroundings), this can also affect how you feel about sex and sexuality. For example,low self-esteem and depression are major factors that can prevent you from even wanting to think about or have sex.
- Medication. If you take medication daily, you probably know a lot about it – why you take it, what it does, and what it feels like before or after. What doctors and instruction booklets often forget to tell you, though, is the impact medicines can have on your levels of sexual interest, thoughts and moods. It can be difficult to talk to your doctor about this (particularly if he or she assumes that sexuality is not an important part of your life), but it is important to at least try and find out. Alternatively, you could do some research on the internet to see if other people taking the same medication experience similar symptoms. Check out this site for a list of medicines and the effect they may have on your sex life.
(Source: The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, ed. Kaufman, Silverberg and Odette, 2003)
The sexual parts of my body have very little feeling in them. Can I still experience sexual pleasure?
If your body doesn’t always do the things its ‘supposed to’ – especially in a sexual situation – people may assume that you don’t have any sexual thoughts or feelings. But the biggest sexual organ in your body is… wait for it…your brain! And whether you get turned on – irrespective of the amount of sensation your body experiences – has far more to do with how you feel about a situation, person or fantasy, than your body’s ability to perform a certain way.
If you don’t have feeling in areas below the waist, there are various erogenous zones in your upper body. Many women feel sexual pleasure when their ears, neck, lips, or breasts are stimulated or caressed. If you have lost sensation in a certain part of your body, look for the point where the unfeeling part meets the part of your body where you do have sensation. These are often very sensitive spots, and being touched sexually in these areas can be arousing. Many women with spinal cord injury still feel pleasure through cervical stimulation (inside the vagina).
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability has a unique suggestion: Because all parts of the body have corresponding areas in the brain, sometimes an unfeeling part and feeling part have their brain locations next to each other. So stimulation of the feeling part can create a kind of sympathetic sensation in the unfeeling part. Yes, this will take a lot of exploring and experimentation, but it might pay off in the end!
What is an orgasm? Can I have one despite my disability?
There could probably be an entire book trying to define orgasms. In fact, there are plenty of them out there. But before you head out to stock up on orgasm-related literature, hold your horses. The first problem is that orgasms have generally been defined by nondisabled people in their observations of other nondisabled people. By that definition, an orgasm in women is the climactic sexual moment during clitoral, vaginal or anal stimulation.
So if your body doesn’t let you do any or all of these things, apparently you can’t have an orgasm. This is not true. An orgasm is nothing more (or less) than a total body experience of intense pleasure. It is often preceded by a buildup of intense sexual and bodily tension, followed by a completely relaxing sensation in your body and/or mind.
An orgasm can take place in many different ways, apart from genital stimulation. For example, some women experience orgasms through sexual fantasy or in an erotic dream. Others who have no sensation in their genitals can feel orgasms in different parts of their bodies. For example, women who have spinal cord injury can still reach the point of climax by stimulating their cervix or clitoris, which they then feel in their upper bodies (Source: The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, ed. Kaufman, Silverberg and Odette, 2003). This article explores the orgasmic potential for women with disabilities and limited physical sensations.
People with paralysis or spinal cord injury usually become very sensitive just above the area of paralysis – many can experience orgasms by having this area stimulated. Many women – both disabled and nondisabled – never experience orgasms in the way that they’re ‘supposed to,’ but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel extreme sexual pleasure. Don’t worry if what you see or hear about orgasms doesn’t match up to your experience – as long as it feels good, that’s all that matters.
I’m going to go through menopause soon – will my sexual feelings and desires change?
They can, but this depends on you. Menopause is the time in a woman’s life, generally after the age of 50, when she stops having her periods. This means that she can no longer get pregnant and have a baby. Some women become more interested in sex after they stop having their periods, because they no longer need to worry about unwanted pregnancies. Others may see it as freedom from the sexual demands of a relationship.
There’s no reason you shouldn’t enjoy sex as long as you live, as long as you make some adjustments as your body changes. For example, because your body is no longer producing the hormone estrogen, your vagina may not get wet easily. If this happens, take your time before penetration, or apply saliva, vegetable oil or water-based lubricants inside and around your vagina. Similarly, after menopause the lining of the vagina starts to become thinner and the muscles may become weaker. Kegel exercises – contractions of the pelvic muscle near the vagina – can help strengthen the muscles around the vagina, and make penetration easier. Check out this article for tips and facts about sex after menopause.
My daughter is 15 and has a mental disability. I’m nervous that she’s developing ‘sexual feelings’.
Many parents worry about their daughters’ burgeoning sexuality. Don’t be afraid – it’s natural for all girls this age to develop sexual desires and feelings. To help your daughter, you first have to acknowledge this. Ignoring the sexual aspect of your daughter’s self will not make it go away. No matter what her cognitive abilities are, she probably has a physically maturing body and sexual needs like other girls her age. Given this, you must confront your own beliefs, and teach her how she can be sexually safe and happy. For instance, if your daughter has begun to masturbate, it is important not to say ‘No’ to masturbation, but explain to her the difference between public and private places. Check out the last question on Sex With Yourself to learn more about this.
You may be worried that given her disability, she will be unable to differentiate between a good and a bad touch, increasing the chances of her being sexually abused. Instead of keeping your daughter indoors to keep her safe, teach your daughter the difference between a touch that is appropriate and one that is inappropriate. Use pictures, drawings, or stories if this helps. Here is a website that explains how to write and tell social stories for children who have difficulty understanding, or who learn at different paces. Role playing is another effective way to teach children and adults with mental disabilities. Together you can enact simple scenarios of safety and danger. If you’re worried that your daughter will be over-familiar and too ‘physical’ with her peers, consider showing her what behaviour is appropriate in different social situations. (Source:‘Human Sexuality Education for Students with Special Needs’, Liz Sweeney)
This can be a difficult and isolating time for you as a parent. Connecting with other families and caregivers who have mentally disabled children around the same age can give you ideas and support.